Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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