we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
