i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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