My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
