I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
