Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Randomize
