i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
