u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
