He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I lost the right to judge tonight
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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