i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
