Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
