Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
