Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
