i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
