Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
