I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
