bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
