First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
