she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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