I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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