Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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