Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
