My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
