i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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