i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
