I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
