I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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