I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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