saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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