we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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