Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize