i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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