Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Randomize
