Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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