So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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