Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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