At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
