I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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