Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
