so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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