He asked to "fluff my boner.."
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I have aggressive nipples.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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