This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
