Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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