don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize