Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize