I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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