WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
