u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize