I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
