Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
