It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
someone owes me an orgasm
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
