I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
