Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize