You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
