finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize