I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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