the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
