Who wears a wallet chain?!
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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