yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
