I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
