we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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