Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
