And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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