i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
