yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
