dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
