So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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