Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
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