How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
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