ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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