Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
